“Welp, 250 years wasn’t a bad run,” says George Washington as he watches from heaven

HEAVEN – Watching the last remnant of the nation he helped found collapse, George Washington sighed and noted that America was still on a pretty solid two-hundred-and-fifty-year run.

“Not bad, sir,” Washington told some other Founding Fathers. “It’s sad to see it come to an end, but we’ve had a pretty epic few centuries there.”

As the United States breathed its last, Washington reflected on what he and the other Church Fathers could have done differently. “Maybe we should have added a few more instructions like, ‘No, seriously, you can’t infringe on the Bill of Rights, you idiots,’” Washington said. “Maybe a few comments about the absolute need to teach Judeo-Christian morality, and not allow anti-Christian cultists to gain power, or that the president needs a few functioning neurons. Oh yeah. Hindsight and all.”

At the time of publication, Washington had reportedly consoled himself by remembering that he would not have to spend eternity with the people who had destroyed his nation.

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